11/20/22
Newletter164
The Crack of Dawn
When I was in the midst of directing Xena in the late ‘90s and early 2000s, I was contacted by the folks at MTV who were interested in having me direct a TV movie for them. The young male executive made a big deal about having a messenger get me the script immediately and me promising to read it right away due to their tight schedule. A messenger brought me the script in an hour, and it was entitled, Shotgun Love Dolls, which didn’t sound promising.
As I read the script I was truly dumbfounded at not just how bad it was, but how it was clearly written by someone who seemed to have never even seen a screenplay before. It was as bad and amateurish as any script I’d ever seen by the most inexperienced wannabe screenwriter. I hesitantly called the overeager, overexcited executive at MTV. “So,” he huffed, “what do you think?” I said, “I think it’s a disaster. It’s as poorly written of a script as I’ve ever seen. It not only doesn’t have a story, it has no characterization, not a single moment of humor – and it’s supposed to be a comedy – and was written by someone who knows absolutely nothing about screenwriting, including the proper form, which is easily attainable here in Hollywood.” This assessment was met by dead silence. Finally, he said, “We all think it’s pretty good.” I said, “Do you now? Maybe that’s why MTV isn’t making any headway into the TV movie market.” Most prospective directors don’t talk this way; they slobber and drool over any script they’re offered, desperate for the work. I had a gig. The exec asked, “Are you turning this down?” I said, “Yes, I am. I don’t know how much you’re paying, but it’s not enough to make a piece of crap like this.” He became offended, saying, “Fine, we’ll find someone else.” I said, “Good.”
Well, they didn’t look very far. They went to another Xena director, T.J. Scott, who took the job. Here is the synopsis of Shotgun Love Dolls (2001): “Beth's ordinary teen life is turned upside down when she finds that her dream is now her reality and that she is living in an alternate Universe where she is the newest member of an all girls crime fighting team.”
This was the only Hollywood film I ever turned down. I’ve had the pleasure of turning down several indies that I knew would explode before they ever saw the light of a projector bulb.
I was asked by a bright, lovely, charming woman in Kalamazoo to direct a film of a play that she had written and directed. Although I was immediately entranced by her comeliness and intelligence, I could smell disaster lurking. I said, “You can’t afford me.” She said, “How do you know?” I said, “I know. Obviously, you have to direct. I will be more than happy to help you in any way regarding advice.” That’s what she really wanted to hear, and we spent the next several hours discussing it. And during that magical time I completely fell in love with her. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman: gorgeous, blonde, loved movies, wanted to direct, had ambition. As she excitedly explained exactly how she wanted to expand the play into a film, I imagined the rest of my life with her. God had finally decided that he liked me.
When the bar was closing and we stood to leave, I said, “So, you want to get together sometime?” She said, “I’m married and have five kids.” I took that as a no.
She actually did make the movie, as far as I know. She has never let me see it. And she has made another feature movie since then, which I also haven’t seen.
Alas. I recently spoke with her and she’s still married and her five young kids are now all grown up and graduating college.
May your first child be a masculine child.