8/15/22
Newsletter73
The Crack of Dawn
Oddly, it’s still dark at 4:00 AM.
In 1988 my writing and business partner, Scott Spiegel, and I had a meeting with the momentarily hot shit producer, Jonathan Krane, at his gleaming new production company, MCEG. Krane was married to Sally Kellerman. Somehow Scott and I were up to make the sequel to C.H.U.D. (1984). C.H.U.D., by the way, stands for, “Cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers.” Scott and I had already made Thou Shalt Not Kill…Except (1985). We were given the script for C.H.U.D. II with the writing credit, “Mahatma Kane Jeeves,” which I knew was a pseudonym used by W.C. Fields. Whoever wrote the script didn’t want their identity known. After we read the script it was obvious why: it was not only pure crap, it wasn’t even about cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. Scott and I had already written a much better story that could easily be substituted and would make a much better film. We arrived at the big, new MCEG building, and while seated in the waiting room we were given Styrofoam cups of coffee. Mine was filled right to the brim. At that moment word came down, “Jonathan Krane will see you now.” With my overfull cup of coffee Scott and I entered Krane’s large office which was entirely decorated in white. Krane’s first comment to me was, “Spill that coffee and I’ll kill you.” I set the cup down and never touched it again. Jonathan Krane, meanwhile, was wearing mirror shades, smoking a huge cigar, and had his feet up on the desk. Seated on the couch were his three eager young yes-men. He asked, “What did you think of the script?” I said, “We have a better idea,” and I pitched our story. During the pitch, Krane mistakenly knocked the ash off his cigar and it fell into his thick white shag carpet. He got down on his knees and swatted it out. I finished the pitch and Krane said, “We’re going with the script as written. You want to know why? Because it’s hip, and kids love hip,” which brought on a lengthy diatribe about how important hipness was. I then said what may have been my best line in 25 years in Hollywood. I said, “I think you’re confusing hip with stupid. This script is not hip, it’s stupid.” Well, that was not only the end of the meeting, it was the end of Scott’s and my partnership. The film was made as C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D. (1989) and it was so bad it went direct to video. But wait, after making a half dozen stinker movies—all with John Travolta—Krane produced Look Who’s Talking (1989), a bona fide hit, but since MCEG was already in bankruptcy it didn’t matter.
My buddy was the assistant construction coordinator on the film, Spy Hard (1996). He invited me to the wrap party and I went strictly to meet Leslie Nielsen. We stepped up to Leslie Nielsen and my buddy said, “I was the assistant construction coordinator on the film.” Nielsen said, “Aw, everybody says that.”
It’s not yet light out, but I’m sure it will be.