10/23/23
Newsletter #494
The Crack of Dawn
[Goddamn thing just dumped me].
I was bushwacked, manhandled, and robbed by Microsoft. For the past three days my laptop has been controlled by Microsoft installing Windows 11. Given that all functions were dead – nothing could be written or saved – I acquiesced and went with their program. MS Word and Google Chrome seem to be at war. I sure as hell hope this same thing isn’t happening to my computer at home, but it probably is. Well, everything seems to be working, and they only got me for $99.95 for Word 365, annually. Every quarter profits must go up.
Here's a thing that bugs me: in all of these writing programs they have stupidly connected spell-check with grammar-check, so I cannot disconnect the grammar- check, which I hate, from the spell-check, which is essential. Every time it challenges my grammar, I’m offended. I’m not offended when an editor does it, but this is an AI that’s been around a while, and it’s awful, on every program. There is no correct answer to the use of a comma before “and,” like I just did in the previous sentence. I’m using it correctly, but grammar-check wants everybody to fall in line in lockstep.
All right, enough bitching. I take Uber cars everywhere, particularly when I’m on vacation. Many Uber drivers, just like cab drivers, are foreign – it’s an easy job to get. So far, of about ten drivers I’ve had since I was here in San Rafael, I’ve had two white Americans. One was a lady my age with a large growth on the side of her face, like a goiter, but higher up. She was extremely thin, but very nice, and kept saying, “You can say that again.”
The other white American Uber driver was a big, young, white kid with red hair – probably six-two or -three if he were standing – with a small earring. Since I am old, I had no idea if he was 25 or 45. His name was Joshua. From the second I got in his car I could strongly sense that he was on the edge of being offended about something. He was also bright and talkative, which I like. He asked where I was from, and I said Detroit. I think he responded with the standard, “Oh, wow, Detroit, huh?” like I lived in the ghetto and fought with knives all the time. I clarified by explaining, “Detroit was set up like a grid, so we have Five Mile Rd. and Six Mile Rd. and Seven Mile Rd. and, of course, the road M&M made famous, Eight Mile Rd.” This was met with dead silence. I said, “Eight Mile Road? M&M?” This was met with even more silence. Therefore, I felt that further clarification was necessary, “The border of Detroit with the suburbs is Eight Mile Road.” Joshua turned to me, bug-eyed, red-faced, and extremely pissed off, stating flatly, “Everyone knows that M&M made Eight Mile Road! Go on!”
My namesake, who had seemed like he was going to get offended, had indeed gotten just what he desired, even though I was intentionally trying to be careful. Damn. I really do try to be friendly to Uber drivers, but now I had failed miserably. Though Joshua was annoyed with me, he was still inquisitive. He asked, “What do you do?” I’m sure he was expecting me to say, “I make axles.” When I replied, “I just retired from the Director’s Guild. I directed movies and TV shows for the last 30 years.” He said two words that were so loaded, so heavy, he was so ready to shit on my head, call my bluff, and prove me a blowhard fake. He said, “Like what?”
Here's where I went wrong yet again. My automatic assumption is that nobody has ever heard of my movies, nor even, at this late date, Hercules or Xena. Shit, Xena went off the air 22 years ago. Nevertheless, I said, “Maybe you’ve heard of it. Xena: Warrior Princess?” Now Joshua got completely pissed off at me, stating as common knowledge, “Every 40-year-old person knows about Xena!” In actually fact, I’d venture that most don’t. And how was I supposed to know he was 40? However, after Joshua thought about it, processing this new information, things changed. He changed. The atmosphere changed. He became a fan.
“You directed Xena?” he asked.
I said, “Yes. I worked on all six seasons.”
“You know Lucy Lawless?”
“I do.”
“Did you have anything to do with Evil Dead? “
“I did.”
“Have you ever met Sam Raimi?”
Etc., etc., etc. I may as well have been at a convention.
Joshua was so fucking impressed with me by the time we got to this hotel here, he said, “You’re the most interesting person to ever ride in my car.”
I said, “Then you must not have had many interesting people in your car.”
He turned to me, smiled and said admiringly, “And you’re humble, too. Wow.”
Well, considering how things began, it all turned out fine.
Now, let’s see if I can actually post this thing.