[I’m trying to switch to MailChimp, but who knows?]
8/13/22
Newsletter71
The Crack of Dawn
I pull my shade and surprise! It’s still night.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? One snatches watches . . .
The inventors of the aluminum engine block, which is used in pretty much everything that has an engine – automobiles, airplanes, lawnmowers – were Orville and Wilbur Wright in 1901 in Dayton, Ohio. In 1908 Orville took U.S. Army Lt. Thomas Selfridge for a ride, they crashed, Orville lived, but Lt. Selfridge died, making him the first person to die in an airplane accident. There is an Air Force base outside Detroit a few miles from here named Selfridge Air Force Base in honor of him.
One of my many silly jobs in Hollywood was writing the narration for the trailers of extremely low-budget movies. Part one of the job was watching the movie, which was always grueling. In the case of Pop’s Oasis (1987), a piece of shit about a military veteran in Las Vegas who inexplicably goes nuts and begins shooting everybody. The film was actually shot in South Africa and looks nothing like Las Vegas (including cars with steering wheels on the wrong side). Since the film didn’t have a hint of a story, I simply used the basic premise of my first feature, Thou Shalt Not Kill…Except (1985), and told that story in the narration, which has nothing to do with Pop’s Oasis. I also used one of our early taglines that we discarded, but it came in handy here as the payoff line: “They were trained to kill; he deserved to die.”
I had eight agents in Hollywood and not one of them ever got me a job. In the late 1990s as I continued my search for a “good agent,” which I discovered was an oxymoron, I met with a gal from some mid-level agency at the Beverly Hilton. She immediately laid down the law: “We get 5% of your Xena and Hercules salary.” I said, “No, you only get 5% of the jobs you get me. Since I got my job on Xena and Hercules, you don’t get any of that. See, you have to work for your money, and I have to work for my money.” She looked baffled and said she had to call her boss, which she did. After the call she returned to the table and informed me, “My boss says that you’re not bringing anything to the table.” I chuckled and said, “I thought I was bringing my talent.” She said, “That’s not enough.” I said, “All right, I’ll make your boss a deal: I’ll give him 5% of my earnings if he gives me 5% of his earnings.” She looked horrified and said, “That’s insane.” She did not become one of my eight agents.
My first agent was named Sam Gross at the enormous agency, International Creative Management, in 1981. I gave him a ¾” video copy of my 45-minute film, Stryker’s War, as well as the feature script based on the film (that ended up being Thou Shalt Not Kill…Except). After not being able to get this schnook on the phone for over a month, we finally took a meeting at his office. He actually said to me, and I quote, “I haven’t watched your movie, or read your script, but you’re the next Steven Spielberg.” Maybe I was, too, but Sam never got me a job.
One of these agents got me a meeting at Bruckheimer-Simpson to potentially direct the film classic, Dr. Giggles (1992). We had a nice long meeting and they seemed to like me. After an hour I thought I had the gig. Then they said, “The only stipulation is that you have to have Sam Raimi on the set with you every day.” I asked, “Doing what?” They said, “Supervising you.” I said, “Sam’s in preproduction on Army of Darkness. Besides, I’m a year older than him, and I started making movies before him.” I collected my script and tapes together, put them in my briefcase, stood up and said, “Gentlemen, that the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,” and left.
And there’s not a hint of sunlight yet. But I have no doubt that the dawn will come.
I’ll read it every morning either way!
I got the mailchimp email this morning too, but it doesn't let me "like" the essay to let you know someone out here is reading....